Thursday, July 30, 2009

changing the world starts with yourself

You can only understand someone in so far as fear will guide them, you can put people in the very situation they have dreamed of their whole life, and watch it collapse to a nightmare if they aren't strong enough, and only end up running away from everything that pushed them there in the first place. A lot of people don't chase their dreams in fear of failing, and its only those who seek to even reach that far, those that don't accept failure as an option that begin to come close. I can talk pretty tough at times, but have even stood in fear of my own words and their eventual implications. Thus as I embark on a new chapter of my life and become divisible, I will reflect on the past 23 years of my life as all the mistakes and corrections I could make so that when I am confronted with similar scenarios in the future, they will have different outcomes. That's all part of learning, isn't it?

Look at this as practice, you have the rest of your life to reflect on the past, but don't let the reflection mirror the future. I tend to only make the same mistake once. I tend to put too much emphasis on trying to make the most perfect choice as possible while negatively affecting the least amount of people at the same time. My selflessness and empathy, tends to be misunderstood only because people don't generally understand how I think or the regards I hold them in.

I am also a strong believer in fate, karma, what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, everything happens for a reason, all that nonsense. Why? Because I have hope and faith. Hope for a future with a belief that I can directly make not only mine a better place to reside in, but others. And faith in myself and others. I've been to the brink of oblivion, but equally at what seemed a near peak of the accomplishment of my dreams. I have been on a stage, I have used my voice and self as a vessel to convey a message that had an impact, if ever so short, however I know I can further it and in the future ensure it is more lasting. I have lived my dreams if only temporarily, with no one needing to pinch me, I didn't need to be woken up because I wasn't sleeping. You make the choices you make, you accept the consequences, learn to live with them, and from them, it's all about perspective frankly.

I have accepted the fact that people will only understand me and my actions as far as they allow themselves to, and that the amount and manner as to which I think, and the approach that I take both to my life and the art of living, is something I have rarely encountered in other people, in at least a similar manner. Essentially, if you don't ask, you'll never know, and the assumption that is typically made about any and every situation, is its inherent downfall. People must first accept that the biggest problem in their life is most likely them-self, at least once you gain some degree of self-sufficiency. This is in disregard of environmental factors and silly things like genetics. You have a choice. If you want to be fat, you just don't exercise and eat wrong. If you don't, you exercise and eat right, its really that easy. I didn't really want to end this writing on that note, but I've fallen short of anything else to write on, and at least it may inspire someone to take charge of something they think they have control over.

Thursday, July 9, 2009

hypocrites oath

I have become a character in a play, a caricature of myself, the outlines cast along the outside of my shadow making lines that are hard to follow-

and impossible to read. Yet someone keeps writing them.

So this tragic hero, seems what I have shortly become. A sad shell of myself, in the sense that I have become the antithesis of so much of what I speak for and against, I say this knowing that time will solve this, will resolve, will absolve, and I must have the will and a way, but it is time, that is the greatest healer. It is in this recognition that I realize, so I rise above.

I have become a victim of my own identity, of my desire to create my own self-hood, the isolationary practice just making me distant from others. I can escape this, circa survive, on letting go. It is sort of a personal mantra, I used to be so impossibly strong, I used to not need anyone or anything, save close family and friends. I used to have an unbreakable will, there was a point where I can say things were perfect and I had overcome greater loss than this, but this is a different kind, and not a choice I made alone. I made mistakes and for that I am sorry, but it was a grand culmination, and flashbacks of the past, that made it impossible for me to handle.

But I've risen before, I can't say I am the phoenix but I sure can emulate her, feigning my death and resignation as "the selfish purveyor of the truth", only to come back when I'm good and ready. It just takes time to heal, and to rebuild. Again I used the term selfish, I mean that in the sense of self-providing and self-reliance, autonomous. Too many people are not, I try to figure everything out on my own, only so that I can share it and give back to the rest of the world. That is how I see it.

Too often do people get mixed up, tangled in the lives of others, like broken tree limbs on telephone wires, a web of information and support, closer still to pull themselves and each other down. Because they weren't strong enough to stand together, many aren't strong enough to stand alone, but in time you can get that strength, and when you have it, you can take on the burden.

It just seems many are not ready, and some will never be.

Sunday, July 5, 2009

Event Horizon

"These words of inspiration from the years of perspiration from the tired admiration,
for the others let them dream."

I once jumped down a whole flight of stairs, I took one storied leap from two. That was the closest I ever came to falling on behalf of my legs, but it wasn't the last time I jumped into, or away from, something I wasn't ready for. Again because this story isn't over, and it just may never be, to say if one jumped in or out, is to tell a tale that isn't finished.

So lets let it out to see.

There is a quote that gets thrown around a lot in the news, media, public discourse in group settings:

"why do good things happen to bad people, and bad things happen to good people"

First of course you need to define good, and you need to define bad. To spare one of pretentiousness I won't define people, I think that is something we can all agree upon less one is to say if someone is bad, they aren't a person, then I would ask for you to define person-hood.

Anyways, the concept of that which is good is something which betters self, or as collectively in the context of "people", what betters humanity. What furthers humanity's humane existence in a positive manner, positive social reproduction. For one to think selflessly in the context of action, and one to be looking as far ahead as one can see, to look towards the particle horizon.

The particle horizon, the limit of observable space given current time, this refers to the speed of light and its travels, and thus our inherent perception. Unfortunately some don't even bother to look both ways before they cross the street, while others barely gaze far enough to see out whatever windows they have.

And then there are those who have nothing to look forward too, only instead a past they keep reliving.

I consider myself a futurist, looking as far forward as I can, I don't very much enjoy living in the present, I move too fast for it.

Now I am off topic, we shall return to the concept of good and bad. It is hard to delve into this discussion without being a relativist, because when you take the terms out of context you lose their intentionality. What is good for you may be bad for me, in most modern day applications these terms serve only to shed light on side or interpretation of something.

Well being off topic has pretty much left me with little inspiration to finish this post, so instead of going to lengths to prove what I wanted to say, I will instead finish that theoretically good and evil, or good and bad, whatever, they don't exist, instead it is how you interpret or act on what is or is not there. Instead there are lesser degrees of good, I will use a very silly example to exemplify this:

"it is bad to eat mcdonald's fast food"

However what if the food was the only choice for the chooser, one would of course believe this:

"it is bad to starve"

So in the context of this choice we have a lesser degree of that which is good, or that which is bad, badder, baddest.

The worst choice of course would be for the chooser to starve, again this is a hypothetical scenario and not reflective of choice in the real world, as one would hope that an individual has greater control over their food intake, but again look at 3rd world countries in which some people merely live off of Mud and Crisco.

One last more plausible real life example, what if the assassination of Hitler by Stauffenberg had occurred. Sure we have what one would believe a great evil removed however what if the outcome resulted in Himmler's succession, or just complete anarchy in Germany resulting in more suffering and pain for its people. I can't really begin to theorize the outcomes or really talk much historically on the matter because I don't know much about the history of Germany or its politics at this time. But a closer parallel that many Americans might understand, granted in a different context, would be the 2004 American Presidential election.

Many were fearful of the Kerry presidency only out of his lack of experience and the fact that many of the problems caused by the Bush administration, would have been better addressed and solved by the people who cased them in the first place, the Bush administration. After all, a burglar would know best how to protect ones home.