Thursday, July 9, 2009

hypocrites oath

I have become a character in a play, a caricature of myself, the outlines cast along the outside of my shadow making lines that are hard to follow-

and impossible to read. Yet someone keeps writing them.

So this tragic hero, seems what I have shortly become. A sad shell of myself, in the sense that I have become the antithesis of so much of what I speak for and against, I say this knowing that time will solve this, will resolve, will absolve, and I must have the will and a way, but it is time, that is the greatest healer. It is in this recognition that I realize, so I rise above.

I have become a victim of my own identity, of my desire to create my own self-hood, the isolationary practice just making me distant from others. I can escape this, circa survive, on letting go. It is sort of a personal mantra, I used to be so impossibly strong, I used to not need anyone or anything, save close family and friends. I used to have an unbreakable will, there was a point where I can say things were perfect and I had overcome greater loss than this, but this is a different kind, and not a choice I made alone. I made mistakes and for that I am sorry, but it was a grand culmination, and flashbacks of the past, that made it impossible for me to handle.

But I've risen before, I can't say I am the phoenix but I sure can emulate her, feigning my death and resignation as "the selfish purveyor of the truth", only to come back when I'm good and ready. It just takes time to heal, and to rebuild. Again I used the term selfish, I mean that in the sense of self-providing and self-reliance, autonomous. Too many people are not, I try to figure everything out on my own, only so that I can share it and give back to the rest of the world. That is how I see it.

Too often do people get mixed up, tangled in the lives of others, like broken tree limbs on telephone wires, a web of information and support, closer still to pull themselves and each other down. Because they weren't strong enough to stand together, many aren't strong enough to stand alone, but in time you can get that strength, and when you have it, you can take on the burden.

It just seems many are not ready, and some will never be.

No comments:

Post a Comment